I'm Not Who I was

Brandon Heath
From the album Don't Get Comfortable

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was

The Lord God is my strength,

and he will make my feet like the hind's feet,

and he will make me walk upon mine high places.

Habakkuk 3:19

"Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." - Ps. 90:12

Lessons well learned:

The lessons of a broken heart

I must admit it... I have had my heart broken. I am not as strong as I thought I was, and I am not as obedient as you presume me to be; my disobedience caused me pain, sorrow, and worsen the situation of my heart by shattering it, if not in half (as it is presumed by the pertaining fantasized drawings), in pieces so small, only the hand of God could fix. The damage was so great that at some point I thought all was lost- my dreams, my hopes, my future & destiny, and my notion of romance.

I confess to have lost all faith in the so called "romance." If what I had experienced was falsehood, then, I wanted nothing at all. How could one's heart deceive? How could it forget? Why did it have to be this way?

To my surprise it didn't have to be this way; it didn't have to hurt, and I didn't have to forget if I would have heard the counsel of my loved ones from the beginning. With much shame and regret I admit not having followed, I admit having gone my own way , I admit my foolishness, my hardness.

But, in the middle of my failure, my pastors, parents and friends loved me, forgave me, and lessened the pain by being the "healing" hands of God. God's words healed me, restored me, completed me and filled all the empty spaces a young man left in me. My mistake: Making an idol out of this young lad. God is consuming fire. He consumed me, and all that was between God and I. He loves me. His love is better, sweeter. Never ending.

So, who cares? It matters because if anything, I want people to know that God is righteousness. That if you disobey, there are consequences to your acts; God in His loving kindness will have to put us through the fire to refine and expose our weaknesses. God is merciful, He will take the time to heal your heart and will give wisdom to others around you to help you out of the rut. God is all in all, He is the Living water, the bread of Life; the source of Life- no man can provide for that. I speak from my own mistakes, because I became a statistic. Don't become one.

It's been a year since my "great fall," time's gone by. I've learned that my God is a good God. He desires what's best for me because He loves me.

I leave with the very words that triggered my thinking. Perhaps you will relate. Selah.

"In speaking of this desire for our own far-off country, which we find in ourselves even now, I feel a certain shyness. I am almost committing an indecency. I am trying to rip open the inconsolable secret in each one of you -- the secret which hurts so much that you take your revenge on it by calling it names like Nostalgia and Romanticism and Adolescence; the secret also which pierces with such sweetness that when, in very intimate conversation, the mention of it becomes imminent, we grow awkward and affect to laugh at ourselves; the secret we cannot hide and cannot tell, though we desire to do both.

We cannot tell it because it is a desire for something that has never actually appeared in our experience. We cannot hide it because our experience is constantly suggesting it, and we betray ourselves like lovers at the mention of a name. Our commonest expedient is to call it beauty and behave as if that had settled the matter. Some have used an expedient that identify with certain moments in the past. But all of this is a cheat. If they had gone back to those moments in the past, they would not have found the thing itself, but only the reminder of it; what they remembered would turn out to be itself a remembering. The books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing. These things -- the beauty, the memory of our own past -- are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never visited.

Do you think I am trying to weave a spell? Perhaps I am; but remember your fairy tales. Spells are used for breaking enchantments as well as for inducing them. And you and I have need of the strongest spell that can be found to wake us up from the evil enchantment of worldliness which has been laid upon us for nearly a hundered years. "

C.S. Lewis - The Weight of Glory

Ps 45

My heart overflows with a beautiful thought!
I will recite a lovely poem to the king,
for my tongue is like the pen of a skillful poet.

You are the most handsome of all.
Gracious words stream from your lips.
God himself has blessed you forever.
Put on your sword, O mighty warrior!

You are so glorious, so majestic!
In your majesty, ride out to victory,
defending truth, humility, and justice.
Go forth to perform awe-inspiring deeds!

Scattered Thoughts...

I've been trying to get inspired, but my muse insists on visiting me by night, and far far away from a computer keyboard. Nevertheless, I present to you... My mostly scattered thoughts with slight chances of rain:

Pride is usually the root of most moral failures.

I AM a WOMAN, and YES, I'm called to ministry!!!

I want to be transparent: Integrity and personal accountability before God and my spiritual authorities.

"Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania's Center for Spirituality and the Mind found that worshipers who speak in tongues are ceding some control of their brain, the New York Times reported. Led by center director Dr. Andrew B. Newberg, the scientists took brain images from the five women while they were speaking in tongues their frontal lobes- the willful, thinking part of the brain- were quiet, as were the language centers, indicating something else was in control. The findings differed from similar scans of the people practicing meditation, which showed a more active frontal lobe." -Charisma Magazine

In hot pursuit this 2007,
SD...etc

P.S. Some Kiwies can fly... just watch me!

“Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.”

My testimony

Elisabeth Alden Scott

And shall I fear

That there is anything that men hold dear

Thou would'st deprive me of,

And nothing give in place?

That is not so-

For I can see Thy face

And hear Thee now:

"My child, I died for thee.

And if the gift of love and life

You took from Me,

Shall I one precious thing withhold-

One beautiful and bright,

One pure and precious thing withhold?

My child, it cannot be."

Your will be done Lord, not mine! All my dreams, hopes, and desires are Yours forever. I choose You, I choose Your yoke; I choose to follow you, now and forever!

In hot pursuit,

SD...etc

Behave like a person, not a mule

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should

go; I will counsel you and watch over you.

Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no undesrtanding

but must be controlled by bit and bridle

or they will not come to you.

Many are the woes of the wicked,

but the Lord's unfailing love

surrounds the man who trusts in Him.

-Psalm 32:8-11

The Cry of a Desperate Soul

Came across this prayer last night while reading a book. It comes from the Southwell Litany for the Personal Life. It's an amazing prayer... The cry of a soul seeking to serve the Lord consistently, wholeheartedly, and with a purpose, may this be also my prayer and pursuit during this season of my life, and the more to come!

" From moral weakness of spirit; from timidity; from hesitation; from fear
of men and dread of responsability, strengthen us with courage to speak the
truth in love and self-control; and alike from the wekness of hasty violence and
weakness of moral cowardice,
save us and help us, we humbly beseeck Thee, O Lord.
From weakness of judgement; from the indecision that can make no choice;
from the irresolution that carries no choice into act; and from losing
opportunities to serve Thee,
Save us and help us, we humbly beseech Thee, O Lord. "

(Cincinnati: Foward Movement Publications)


In hot pursuit,
SD...etc

The Colors of Fall

I took these pictures while driving. I don't recomend it if you're not such experienced driver as I am... As I've mentioned it previously, Fall is my favority season, and I enjoy capturing the colors that year after year decorate the streets of my city; such splendor takes me back to the Maker of all things, for in Him all things were created, and in Him all things exists and are called into order.

God, You're marvelous in every way, may the World sing of Your magnificent works forever and ever! Amen.

The Love of God is extravagant,
fills my life
My cup overflows
He is all I need.

My mind soul and spirit desire
Him alone.
Divine!
He is all in all.

Do not let your tongue lead you into sin,

and then say before the angel of God that is was a mistake.

Ecclesiastes 5:6

The Dawning of a new day!

These past weeks I've been assessing my life, meditating, and pondering about what the future holds. My heart has been broken and some of my deepest (personal) dreams are dead. So as I look upon my corpse, I realize that the smell of death is nothing but the sign of life in me: Of Christ in me, the Hope of glory.
I've had to give up my dreams of grandeur, of fame, wealth, and superficial happiness. And though the renunciation to these material things have broken my heart, I feel alive and I've found that in my brokenness the Lord as cleans me from things that aren't meant to be in my life. The promises of God are eternal and everlasting, His covenant will not be broken, and His perfect Will will always prevail because HE IS GOD! He working in my life, so that everything He's said to me come to pass...

Thank you Lord for keeping me, for setting me apart, for continuing to pour out your Spirit! I don't deserve your Love and sacrifice, but thank you for choosing this broken vessel to be used by you and for Your Glory! Because you made me righteous in Christ, I can stand before you as blameless! Thank you for the sanctifying work of the Spirit (1 Pt. 1:2)! Though I haven't seen you, yet I love you (1 Pt. 1:8)!

This morning the Lord woke me up and said:

"The Lord will surely comfort Zion (you, Sarahi) and will look with compassion on all her (your) ruins; he will make her (your) deserts like Eden, her (your) wastelands like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness will be found in her (you), thanksgiving and the sound of singing. "
(Is. 51:3)

"Whatever weakens your reason, impairs

the tendernes of your conscience, obscures

your sense of God, and takes off the relish

of spiritual things; that to you is sin"

-Susanna Wesley

A prayer

Lord,

I give up all my own plans and purposes; all my own desires and hopes and
accept Thy will for my life. I give myself: my life, my all, utterly to Thee, to
be Thine forever.
Fill me and seal me with Thy Holy Spirit, use me as Thou wilt, send me
where Thou wilt. Work out Thy whole will in my life at any cost, now and
forever.

(Prayer by Betty Scott)

I liked this poem. I've lived its meaning.


Broken Rose
By Ashish Joy

Broken rose…rise up
Broken heart…sing forth
For you are but an offering rising

Though undone you are yet one
Treaded over…watched from afar
Though bloodied…Though torn
Remember Christ…Remember His love

I will watch you…and hold you deep within my heart
I will gather your broken shards…in admiration and respect
For your love is precious to me and yet
Though it seem I let you go…just know
I will hide my face…and turn my eyes
And wait patiently for your call

Until then…hold on dearly
For life will come at you more and more quickly
Your brokenness is but an offering
Poured out dreadfully for all to see

Yes…all do see…but they respect
Your willingness to be spent
In love and admiration they applaud
Your life and all you’ve ever lost

You’re a light…bright…strong…courageous
Such words speaks dimly of who you really are
You’re a hope…a star…a flame
And though all you say may one day be
Just know that I’ll be watching…and waiting
For the day you will reach out for me

A principle for life... for my life

The Northwest fall is here. As I look out my bedroom window, I can see the small drops of rain falling down... obedient to the will of the Father- gravity; and as I open my window to witness such event live, the wind swiftly blows down causing me to close my eyes and sense the smell of rain. The scented smell of wetted dirt, the fresh smell of drenched lavender- all obedient to the will of He who has submitted all things under His feet, and that yield to their Designer’s tenacity and creativity. The carefully orchestrated seasons come, and go; as summer leaves, the burgundy color of the once green leaves indicates that fall has arrived.

I see the leaves beginning to fall, and though to some, the withered trees appear as death; this only marks the beginning of something new. A type of death that symbolizes life. All things made new. I see our latest acquisition to the family running through the temporarily disabled strawberry leaves, as he cautiously digs around to hide the nuts I had set out for him to eat earlier this morning. This little new friend incites me to think about his innate nature, and again I come to the conclusion that, he's following only the orders that he had been set out to follow, as he worships his Creator by performing exactly what he was meant to do. All of nature, obedient to the Will of God.

I've come to accept His perfect will for my life. Though I don't know the “whys” of many situations, I have made it a principle in my life, to not ask, to not question, and to willfully submit to such perfect plans. I am choosing to stand firm, and accept His will even if I don't understand (necessarily) everything that has happened, is happening, or will happen. I end with E.B. Pusey's exhortation, and hope that it will sink into your heart as well as it has in mine:

This, then, is of faith, that everything, that very least, or what seems to us great, every change of the seasons, everything which touches us in mind, body, or estate, whether brought about through this outward senseless nature, or by the will of man, good or bad, is overfuled to each of us by the all-holy and all-loving will of God. Whatever befalls us, however it befalls us, we must recieve it as the will of God. If it befalls us through man's negligence or ill-will or anger, still is, in even the least circumstance, to us the will of God. For if the least thing could happen to us without God's permission, it would be something out of God's control. God's providence or His love would not be what they are. Almighty God Himself would not be the same God; not the God whom we believe, adore, and love.

(Taken from Mary Wilder Tileston's Daily Strength for Daily Needs)

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
Psalm 62:5

Do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous hand.
Isaiah 41:10

Prayer Insights

by Steve Swihart

“Everything is possible for him who believes” (Mk. 9:23). One of the most positive words in the entire Bible is this one: POSSIBLE. Here is identified the atmosphere of successful prayer: believing firmly that everything in God’s will is POSSIBLE. And the secret of a POSSIBILITY ATMOSPHERE in prayer is discovered when we
come to embrace a POSSIBILITY ORIENTED GOD –– “with God all things are POSSIBLE” (Matt. 19:26). When an ALL-POSSIBLE faith locks arms with an ALL-POSSIBLE God, good things are certain to happen.

The great enemies of prayer are (1) forgetting that with God all things are POSSIBLE, and (2) forgetting that with faith in God all things are POSSIBLE. Resist these enemies every time they appear. Never accept a “No” from circumstances when God has given you a “Yes!”

"A man can destroy with

his character what he builds

with his gift."

-Ern Baxter